I didn’t always know I was born into this life. I was born into a middle class family in the Northeast, my mother’s only child. On my father’s side I had four much older half siblings who had all reached adulthood before I was born. My mother was raised Catholic, and loved nature, cooking and interior design. My father was a retired airline pilot who was a firm atheist; he was greatly interested in science and politics, both of which he began discussing with me in unusual detail at around the age of 7. Between the two of them, my mother was the one who had some curiosity about spiritual phenomena, including reincarnation, but it was not a serious subject. It was mentioned occasionally with about the same level of interest as history, cuisine or the theater. Their wishes for me mirrored most of what other parents in our demographic envisioned for their children: study hard, get into a good college, have a well-rounded life. We lived in a secluded but modern house nestled in the woods just beyond the edges of the New York suburbs. It was not lonely, as we had many guests. As a child I would while away many leafy fall afternoons after school exploring the woods around our home. It was the mid 1980s.
But behind this idyllic backdrop, there were also things that were not ‘normal.’ For one thing, both of my parents seemed to have been involved, although to a limited degree and likely with only limited awareness, in the shadowy world of clandestine work. My father retired from his flying job shortly after I was born, and promptly set about making many trips to various Middle Eastern countries, some of whom did not have diplomatic relations with each other. For this purpose, he kept more than one concurrent US passport (to avoid conflicting entry stamp exclusions). My mother, who was a flight attendant – yes, that’s how they met – would hand deliver letters on her trips overseas. A few years later, she was involved in a hijacking incident that became highly publicized at the time, although this was likely unconnected. Shortly after her death, in 2005, our house was broken into and one of my father’s duplicate passports was stolen.
Over the years, there was enough of a boundary between ourselves and these events to maintain a certain image of normality, and many times did indeed feel somewhat normal. However, from an early age, I always understood at the back of my mind that my experience was not quite ordinary. And it would be a second set of unusual events in my young life that would prove to have even further-reaching significance for me in the future.
Many people who consider themselves psychic or intuitive often report having a spontaneous awakening or ‘activation’ around the age of 4 or 5. This also happened to me. Although, in my case, I did not understand the significance of what was happening to me at the time and mostly forgot about it for many years, because unlike those who have felt a great opening of consciousness or the presence of benevolent beings, the activation I experienced presented itself, on the surface level, in a more physical way. It actually happened a few different times that I can recall, enough to get my attention, so that I would one day be able to remember. And it would indeed take many years before I would start to understand the significance of what exactly had happened. I would not learn until my twenties what a Kundalini awakening was, and even then not right away the meaning of the particular version of this that I experienced and why it might have been significant that I experienced it at such an early age.
Around the same time, I also began having what I thought were nightly dreams of being able to float through the walls, floors and ceilings of our house, and willing myself wherever I wanted to go. Except that, whereas most of my dreams, of which I did have many and which I usually remembered fairly clearly even at that age, were normally somewhat fuzzy in terms of imagery, in these ‘dreams’ the imagery had extremely sharp, lifelike relief, no different than normal sight, accompanied with an almost waking-level of awareness. These experiences also stopped when I was about 6, and over the years and friendships, and travels, including a move to distant Arizona, I eventually forgot about them.
What I did not forget about, however, was that during my whole childhood and into early adulthood, I often felt like a foreigner in my own society. I would not learn until much later that this was a common experience shared by many types of people who consider themselves intuitives or starseeds (and today I would consider myself both of those things). But starting in late childhood and all the way through adolescence and early adulthood, I knew that the values of many people around me, and sometimes even my own family, were not always mine. This was not just because I didn’t find anyone to share my unusual experiences with who would take them seriously. Sometimes what seemed to others to be cherished and essential ideals struck me as harmful (what in the metaphysical community we would call ideals based on working in the service-to-self paradigm, even though they were often misrepresented as being service-to-others), and, to my dismay and distress, vice versa. I also found much of our culture lacking in imagination, and often focused on who was right rather than what was right. For someone whose experiences fall on the ‘long tail’ of the bell curve, living in a culture where credibility is determined not by what is what but rather by who is expected to experience and know what, can be very difficult, and one’s basic emotional needs are generally not met, much as the mainstream culture would like to pride itself on achieving otherwise. My inner self did not feel accepted at all. I often felt misunderstood and abused, and sometimes utterly alone. I had very few heroes. By the time I had ‘grown up,’ I had developed a very cynical and uninspired outlook toward life in this time period. It was hard having a forward-looking outlook among backward-looking people. Whereas I recall many people I encountered expressing a desire to return to earlier times, I wished I had been born 10, 50 or even 100 years later.
I did hold out hope that some of what I considered to be the few aware and courageous people in the world always could, over time, change things for the better, as had happened in the past. But, not finding that kind of inspiration in the world around me, I did not see how I could join in any such effort. So I essentially put it off, until some time later in my life, when I would perhaps have much more experience, connections and money, and, therefore, maybe more power to make a change. At this point I had not yet developed my own independent understanding of how the universe creates reality, so it was not possible for me to have the faith needed to trust in my ability to make any positive changes in the world. Like many people I had had negative experiences with and therefore a negative impression of religion, and, although psychic phenomena and UFOs remained of some interest to me, I didn’t have the insight to know if they were real or not, and didn’t know how or if it was possible to develop this insight.
But that did not mean the phenomena I was experiencing stopped altogether. During the second Clinton Administration, when I was in my late teens, and the decision was made to bomb Sudan and Afghanistan in response to a terror attack in the Middle East region, I had a dream about the event a few days before it happened (and before it was announced). In the dream I saw a map of the world, and I saw missiles flying over the map and landing in those two countries. A few days later, the strikes happened, and then I remembered the dream. I wasn’t completely comfortable with the idea that what I was experiencing was what I thought it might be, and I tried to look for ‘scientific’ explanations for it, but I also could no longer ignore it. When my mother died several years later, a few weeks after her passing, her voice in the room I was sleeping in awoke me from my sleep. These things had my attention, whether I was comfortable with them or not.
As many others in my generation did, I also suffered intermittently from depression, anxiety and unpleasant thought patterns. (Although born on the Gen X – Millenial cusp, to the extent I identify with an age group at all, I identify more as an older Millenial than a younger Gen X, for reasons having to do with outlook and temperament as well as soul group dynamics.) I wasn’t affected by substance abuse, as many sadly are, although I had strong addictions to other things (mainly my inner fantasy life). I had made a mental note that one day, before I would have children of my own, I would seek some type of therapy and deal with these issues once and for all.
In the event, that day would end up arriving sooner rather than later, and on a timetable of its choosing rather than mine. I was living in the San Francisco Bay area at the time, and, little more than three years after my mother had passed on (my father having preceded her two years earlier), I began having extremely severe panic attacks, reminiscent of the ones described by the patient of Dr. Brian Weiss, MD, in the book Many Lives, Many Masters. The attacks were strong enough and persistent enough that I knew then I had no choice but to seek treatment right away, which I did. I relocated to Los Angeles for this purpose, and, once there, the life I left behind was gone forever. Within a few weeks, I began reading a number of books that helped me open the door to understanding how the universe really operates. The information that finally opened this door for me was that which asked me to consider the meaning of concepts such as purpose, consciousness and the very meaning of the existence of the universe itself as I would understand those things, rather than reflecting on other people’s notions of their meaning. This, coupled with a new willingness to be open to whatever those meanings might actually mean for me, rather than having an attachment to what I thought they ought to be, opened a door that had previously not only been shut but also hidden.
It turns out that our ability to perceive higher levels of information and receive higher levels of insight is limited by our attachment to what we think the underlying concepts or life structures behind that information or those insights are supposed to represent. This is often done to create emotionally secure boundaries for ourselves as we try to navigate a world in which we feel limited and powerless, and is actually a hallmark of the third dimension, from which the earth and its people are now starting to emerge after a many-thousand years’ journey. Having reached the point at which my old way of coping with this reality had become completely unworkable, however, I became willing to relearn just about everything about the world I lived in from the ground up. In so doing, I also opened the door to a whole new world of phenomena that I would have previously thought of as impossible.
Over the following months and years, along with the complete emotional and psychological rearrangement that occurs when you understand that each of us creates all of our own reality and that absolutely everything happens for a reason (otherwise why would it happen?), I began to experience as a commonplace everyday reality things which many people still wonder are even possible: telepathy, spirit channeling, connecting with my angelic guides, seeing spirits and other nonphysical beings, resumed out-of-body experiences, further explicit precognitive dreams, being able to see into peoples’ emotions and hidden belief systems, remembering my past lifetimes and sometimes seeing into others’, and receiving rather startling revelations about hidden earth history and current events. In short, my life became a Happy Potter movie. Through practice, meditation, attendance at past-life regression workshops with Dr. Weiss and others, and intensive work with trance channels and their higher-dimensional guides, I was able to further develop my intuitive abilities.
More importantly, however, I was also able to start seeing past the limiting belief systems of the third dimension and being able to know as a concrete fact the answers to what in our old reality would be considered the great unknowable existential questions: why are we here, what does it mean, and will we be happy. The answers are: we are here to learn, because consciousness, being the highest thing that exists in the universe and therefore subject to no higher right or wrong, will always do what is the most interesting (which is to gain further wisdom and knowledge of the One self), and that as we as individual branches of the One consciousness are capable of seeking no thing except that which makes us happy (even when being of service), the rest of the universe has no choice but to cooperate with us. So, we are always on the path to greater happiness, no matter what. In short, we are safe. When we are ready to begin a new journey, the guide will appear. We will always be supported on our path to happiness, because the universe has no choice but to support us in the only direction we are capable of going. Therefore, it is always possible and always safe to set out for where we truly want to go. (Provided we define this from the standpoint of the Spirit, and not the ego. In recovery this is called surrendering to a higher power, however our own Higher Self is a branch of that higher power. Too often this gets misinterpreted as meaning one has to leave one’s own happiness – or worse, dignity and autonomy – more or less behind and just live in the pursuit of joyless service in order to return to wellness. But in reality, it just means surrendering to what the higher divine part of us really wants to do anyway, and that which will make us happiest is finding the most powerful and unique way we could possibly be of service to others. Thus, there is never a conflict between happiness and service, once distorted limiting belief systems are removed. This is true in all situations, even romantic attractions, by the way.)
These answers are ultimately what is necessary to free oneself from all of the possible fears, anxieties and judgments created by life in a dimension of limited awareness. By letting go of the attachments that stand in the way of connecting with these higher truths, one also starts to experience the dissolution of the ego, which will ultimately unravel completely and thereby create an ascension to a higher dimension of existence, which is where we are all now headed as earth residents. By knowing that all is well in the end, there is no desire to feel either approval or disapproval of anyone, anything, or any event, but it is still possible to experience happiness, joy, love and excitement. It is just that these things are experienced not as an emotion, with the layer of judgment of rightness or wrongness riding atop of them, but rather an internal state of awareness equivalent to emotion (a higher ‘octave’, if you will) but free of doubt of the ultimate outcome, and, therefore, free of judgment.
These insights and experiences have filled me with a sense of wonder about the universe and my connection to it that is beyond even what I remember as a child. While initially influencing my career path in new directions and creating opportunities that weren’t available before, the promising new creative and life potentials of this increased awareness have led me to a desire to help others with similar needs and interests develop these awakening tools for themselves, and help them discover that same sense of possibility, wonder and connection to the other realms of the universe that has brought such new magic into my life. And there is an added sense of urgency to this, in light of the coming dimensional shift in consciousness, which will require the use of this new higher awareness in order to navigate successfully.
Life on a more mundane level still kept going after the beginning of these changes of course, but in a much different way. I no longer identify as strongly with an age group, gender, culture, or where I am supposed to be at this ‘point’ in my life (in fact it is almost impossible to do so, having let go of most of the attachments that would create those identifications). The change has been so dramatic that the memories I have of this lifetime from before I began this awakening almost feel like someone else’s experiences, as distinct from the way I experience life now as recollections from previous lifetimes. I have let go of a lot of anger about injustices in the world, seeing them instead as co-creations of those who need to work out those respective issues. Many things that were previously priorities are now irrelevant. In other cases, I feel even more strongly about something than I remember feeling before, but with less anger. I realize that much of what is fed to us in the media and even some of what I learned in school is untrue. Vast new ‘career’ possibilities have opened up, although at this point I would define those more in terms of a sense of ‘mission’ rather than as a path to be walked just for myself. For, we are all part of a larger soul group with similar needs and experiences, and we will ultimately be coordinating our talents together. Some friendships have faded and new ones have entered my life, while others have remained, but in a very changed way. For when we change at such a base level the way we understand the world around us, the way we interact with those in it will surely change as well. And the change is so great, as we let all layers of defense and filter fall away around us, learning to perceive all things as they wish to be perceived rather than based on some notion of how they ought to be, that one’s own memories before this change began, will then seem foreign. It is indeed a vastly different experience, even on a day-to-day level. And it is one that all of us who are going along for this dimensional shift are headed toward, without exception. Some of us, however, have volunteered to undergo the process earlier, to act as guides for the others. This may apply to some of you who have found your way here and are reading.
As I work my way on toward the eventual ascension for which we’re all headed, I still take time to enjoy things that many in my ‘demographic’ would do. I enjoy bicycling, hiking, gardening, writing, drawing, and going out to eat, meet with friends and to the movies. Not to mention lots of reading, both further education about metaphysical topics, as well as other things. I still enjoy traveling, and keeping up with what’s going on in the (physical) world. I look at nude pictures on occasion. In other words, I still enjoy aspects of a ‘normal’ life, if you can call it that when you’re regularly having dreams where your guides are revealing rather shocking insights into what is happening on the planet, that make the Da Vinci Code look like a daytime soap opera. If people were to ask me what it’s like to do what I do, I would say there’s a bit of a thrill to it, akin to quietly walking through a supermarket or airport with classified documents in your backpack. If only they knew what was inside! Sometimes, when it gets very intense, it’s fun to turn it off for a while and pretend to be ‘normal’ – although as some of my favorite guides would say, ‘normal’ is definitely changing. But it’s never long before boredom, or a sense of mission, again sets in, along with a sense of urgency borne of the realization that the real gift is not to feel safety in smallness, but rather confidence in the bigness of our purpose, and that the truest desire is to heal, and spread camaraderie among those who find themselves trying to balance an outwardly ‘normal’ life on a planet too long consigned to the ordinary, with an inner experience that is anything but that.